Tue, 14 Apr 2026 22:33:55 EDT
Uncrustables
Uncrustables is the trademarked brand name of a frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwich made by Smuckers. According to Wikipedia, sales of Uncrustables generated $685 million in 2023. The captain is amazed that people are so lazy that they are unwilling to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for themselves. It is because the final act of trimming away the crust is just too enervating? The “jam” isn’t even real jam.
The sandwich was granted a patent in 1999, but the patent was rescinded in 2005 because a crustless sandwich, “was not novel or non-obvious enough to merit the award of a patent.” And yet the U.S. Patent Office will not rescind Amazon’s spurious One-Click patent, a patent which grants intellectual property rights on the mouse-click.
Companies cannot trademark ordinary terms, which is why trademarked terms that contain common vocabulary employ unusual spellings. Uncrustables is decidedly not a common term. The name Uncrustables implies that you cannot put a crust on the sandwiches, which is patently untrue, but veracity is not a requirement for trademarks.
The sandwiches should be called PBJ Pokkets or Crustbegones because Smuckers’ sandwiches are entirely crustable. You just need a little glue or adhesive tape.